My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
