i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
it's like heaven, but drunker
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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