my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
