my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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