can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
