i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
