I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize