Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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