Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
