I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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