You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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