woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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