is your mom at the bar?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
