You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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