Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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