if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
