Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
