life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
not ubering you a puppy
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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