I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
