Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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