From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
