She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
