you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Randomize
