I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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