i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
