It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
we're so committed to being not committed
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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