if i can run in heels then i can drive
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
