You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Come share oat with me in your robe
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
