First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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