Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize