maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
