If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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