The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
