I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
