That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
