I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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