just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
