im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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