I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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