I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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