This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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