Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
