You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
sarcasm needs its own font
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
