giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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