How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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