$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
