the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
