Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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