Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
