He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
