You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
