when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
do nipples grow back?
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