what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Randomize
