If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
