Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize