I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
one might say we're banned from that church
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
there is puke in my bra ... again
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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