What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
