Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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