i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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