Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
